Comic Comments

[SuperNova]

Hi there!

I just discovered your comic, and I have to say, I'm enjoying it so far. Particularly, the art is fantastic! It was definitely the first thing to draw me to your comic, and reads really nicely; everything is very clear. The compositions are great, the pallet is well-chosen and the textures are used nicely. It has plenty of atmosphere, which is something people tend to take for granted and often mess up. The anatomy looks good, and the poses and gestures read really well. It looks great! Keep it up!

I have some things to say about the writing. The positives are that it does a great job of being funny and entertaining (this coming from someone who doesn't laugh easily!). A lot of artists tend to fall into 'chibi' humor scenes too often, but this comic balances that well for the most part. The characters all have distinct personalities and voices. That's is an easy thing to mess up, but you handled it just fine.

Okay, now on to some of the issues. (I apologize that this is the longer part of the review... Not because the comic has this many more negatives than positives or anything like that, but I think it's more helpful to explain the things that didn't work in more detail.)

First, when Vix kills those four students at school. It's handled way too lightly, let alone the fact that two of them were apparently her friends. Once people die it is never so a light deal.

I find it really hard to believe that right after this occurs, she's allowed to be near anyone, let alone be idle in a hospital, even if it's to visit a friend (who she injured, mind you). Even if it's obvious she did it by accident, she's clearly unstable and as far as the other cast members are concerned, there's absolutely no knowing when she could snap again. She's a time bomb, and a very dangerous one. You do a thorough job of explaining this in her monologues, but the way people are reacting to the situation doesn't back it well enough for me to fully believe it.

I find it very hard to believe that Vix's principal would continue to protect her, especially if it's just on the grounds that she is 'a sweet girl'. That really doesn't mean anything. This is essentially saying she would rather protect Vix than the entire school body, or anyone else for that matter. Remember, Vix is a time bomb. And this is the woman who probably just took dozens of phone calls asking that she deal with this, by people who are scared to death and people who are grieving. Not to mention, being principal, she probably knows the kids who died herself, and death is tragic; the effect it has on people is huge. Even for people who didn't know or like the victims. This is a school, which is a very small community all things considered. Some of the students will have been close to the students who died, and even those who are close with those people, and the people close to those people are going to be affected. People not only mourn for those who passed, but for the grief of loved ones who have experienced the loss. Has a death ever happened at your high school? If so, what was it like? I can guarantee you, it's a really, really huge and upsetting deal for everybody.

However, the biggest problem with this is how Vix herself reacts to this. She's waaaaaay more concerned with her own problems than the fact that she just took the lives of four people. And she claims two of them are her friends. Honestly, you'd think she'd at least stay far, far away from other friends she can hurt (i.e. Jo), or perhaps even be begging to be locked up. We're supposed to believe that Vix is 'sweet', but she seems very self-absorbed here. (That wouldn't be 'wrong' if she were built up as a very selfish character, but I really doubt that was your intention.) Four people are dead, and she's just wondering how she did it, and adds "Thankfully Jo was only stunned," like, "No biggie guys, Jo was my favorite anyway." I think this is just a case of not thinking enough from character's perspective. Jo may be of more concern to you and the audience, so, okay. Maybe two or four random characters dying doesn't make a big difference to the readers, but seeing that the blood of multiple of people she knew is now on her hands, this should be monumentally traumatic to Vix. She doesn't even seem particularly guilty! She's far more worried about the fact that she has to deal the law's consequences for this.

Honestly, I think the easiest possible way to fix this should you choose to do so (as well as the route that would salvage the most of your completed comic pages,) would be to edit it so she didn't kill anyone at all. Making several student's heads hemorage from every oriface is plenty dangerous enough. She doesn't need to have a body count on top of this. That said, even if that was the case I'd still find it pretty hard to believe that they'd let her wander around the hospital and let her go home rather than just take her into custody right away (and even still she should feel more guilty), but it's not nearly as disturbing as the lack of bagage she has from killing people.

That was the biggie. Now for some of the smaller stuff.

- Some of Vix's narration strikes me as unneccessary, even expositional at times. Before you put in the narration, ask yourself: Does the art do a good enough job portraying Vix's thoughts without it? For example, Chapter 4, Page 2: "Despite the fact that I disliked him immesely already, I am humbled in the presence of the vampire before me." Why does that need to be there? It's pretty obvious that she dislikes him, and from the fact that she adresses him as "The Lysander" we understand that she is in awe. We don't need it explained plainly on top of it. It makes the scene feel a little bit cheaper. Remember, show, don't tell.

- When Vix meets Arianna, she says something like, "What, you're not going to give me an explanation or anything?" to which Arianna laughs and says something like "He was right about you." What I gather from this is that Arianna laughed because someone said Vix had an attitude of some sort, especially since the next time someone says 'He was right' she was being similarly smart-alec-y. Now, I could be wrong, since we haven't yet learned what 'he said' about Vix, but I really don't think there's anything unusual about someone asking for an explanation with an attitude when they haven't gotten a sufficient one. In fact, I think the vast majortity of people would... I don't see why it would prove anything.

- Another thing that bothers me is the meeting with Lysander. I understand fully that he is supposed to be a tactless jerk, but the way things play out I can't possibly imagine that he didn't go into that meeting with the full intentions of to giving the worse first impression ever. This is kind of his daughter, and this is kind of the first time he's meeting her. Yeah, it's great that he has this colorful personailty, but was he seriously not motived in the slightlest to tone it down for something as important as this? He doesn't even seem to be trying. Just because he's a jerk by nature doesn't mean he has to be a jerk to be 24/7. Is a bubbly person bubbly every single second of their lives? Is a violent person throwing chairs everytime they walk into a room? No. People react differently to different situations.

- Conversely, maybe Lysander did intend to make a bad first impression on Vix, or maybe he just can't help it. Okay. Then, why would Arianna subject Vix to this with so little preparation? You'd think in the interest of her daughter she'd wait a good while and explain to Vix everything for should prepare for in full. She said a few things to Vix about Lysander before they went in, but that doesn't even begin to cover it. What Vix has been through has supposedly been hard on her already, what with finding out who her real parents are, etc. Why would Arianna think it was a good idea to take her down to meet her father when she's probably well-aware that he's going to treat her like trash? For any normal person, that would be a horrifying experience! Think about it. Vix was just taken away from a home with a loving mother to one where her father treats her like dirt and her mother just stands around and watches it happen. Ouch! Even knowing I don't have all the information, this scene is very uncomfortable to me.

- I admit this is a nitpick, but the word 'unhuman' is awkward. Usually 'un' is added to participles and adjectives. Occassionally you'll get the odd noun, usually an 'idea' type of noun (i.e. 'unrest' and 'untruth') but as far as I know it's never used on 'tangible' nouns. Just as it would sound wrong to call an orange in an apple basket an 'unapple' (if anything you'd say "non-apple"), it sounds wrong to me to call something inhuman an 'unhuman'. I mean, I guess I could see how a person becoming a vampire could be an act of 'unhumaning"... I can't help but think the word wants to be an action rather than a noun. (It kind of makes me wish you just used 'inhumans' or 'nonhumans'...) No matter how I try to slice it, it strikes me as incorrect.

(Lastly, you use the term 'lol' and such an awful lot in your FAQ. I don't mean to say comic FAQ writing is srs bznz or anything, but I read the FAQ before the comic and it set my expectations for the comic's writing very low. Just thought it was worth mentioning...)

That's all I have to say, and I hope you find my comments fair! Keep up the great work! I look forward to seeing how this comic develops! ^^

[Fattimus Slime]

(Lastly, you use the term 'lol' and such an awful lot in your FAQ

She does this in real life, too. You're all like, Hey Heather, I just got shot three times because the Border Patrol found all those drugs I was smuggling in the dead horses they found in the back of my truck.

And she's like, LOL shoulda worn a vest, you boner.

God!

Also, it's been confirmed that none of the students were actually killed. Detective Justin puzzled this one out:


In all seriousness, though, we don't have a timetable between the incident at school and the conversation in the infirmary. It's possible the police weren't immediately notified that Vix was the cause because, well, the principle sympathizes with her. She believes it wasn't her fault, and the penalty for something like this, even unintentional, is likely very severe. The police do eventually come for her, and aren't afraid to use their guns, which does give weight to the actual crime. There's no shortage of real life examples of people meaning well, but still helping criminals escape the law. It's not actually that unrealistic.

As far as Vix's own baggage over the incident, she's in a little bit of shock afterwards, and starts to really deal with it when a bunch of other crazy shit happens. It's not too terribly unrealistic, then, that it might hit her like a sack of bricks at another point. I mean, hell, this is a story all about one girl who goes through some pretty crazy things rapidly, and her life gets flipped, turned upside-down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how she became the prince of a town called Bel Air.

In some unnamed town where she was born and raised
In the high school where she spent most of her days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all daydreamin' 'bout boys inside of school
When this one big ol jerk
Who was super jealous of blondes
Startin knifing people in her hallways
She murdered four school kids and her mom got scared
She said "You're movin' with your vampire dad in Bel Air"

She whistled for a Kou and when he came near
His t-shirt said fresh and he showed the cops his rear
If anything she can say that this guy had weird hair
But she thought "Man forget it - Yo home to Bel Air"

They pulled up to the house about seven or eight
And she yelled in Kou's ear "Yo homes smell ya later"
She looked to her kingdom
She was finally there
To sit on her throne as the Prince of Bel Air

I'm so bad at this...

[Alpha Maeko]

Launch the wall-of-text machine!

...

While your scrutiny of the comic has some merit, I still have to disagree with you on most all of it.

The dad being an asshole, the mother making mistakes, and Vix managing to forget the deaths/injuries she caused after being subjected to one plot twist after another? I don't see how these situations are so bad that the author has to rectify them for you.

[teh hchano]

Rotfl I really do say Lol a lot irl. ._. Even before it was 'lawl' outloud.
Frickin Justin always made fun of me for it and now everyone says it..
even him >>; But yeah, I can see how reading my own words can
lower expectations. I am pretty goofy and happy a lot so it kinda
leaks into things I say xD

Anyway, man this was a huge read. Thanks for taking the time tho.
I don't get this sort of criticism often so believe when I say I appreciate
it. It's nice cos it makes me think about things I didn't before...

I do agree with you on a few things for sure. But I do think Vix is
handling the situation as best she can. I always thought of her as a
little spoiled, and sometimes pretty selfish too, so that she only
thinks of herself sometimes didn't seem too weird to me.

But I do agree the teachers prolly wouldn't leave her wandering
around if they really thought it was her. When I wrote that, I just
had the impression that the principal favoured her because the
mom is a friend and fellow teacher xD I am not the best writer
tho, so I didn't really consider that the other teachers and
parents might bully her into some action.

In any case, the kids dying, maybe 4 was too big a number. But
Elijah [the little blond kid] was always going to die. It is just part
of the story. But I might revise the number down to 2 and only 1
friend...but I am not sure how much that will change. Just with
a lower number, I don't think it will have a huge impact on
the story anyway xDD When I had written it that way, I was
like "yeahh two friends, they'll worry about Seth/Jo for
a few pages 8DDD" but tbh in comic form it's not nearly
as effective as it was in the novel version XDD so changing
that is not a huge deal xD

I think the fact that she refers to Jo thankfully only having
been stunned really is not a big deal tho. Of course she will be
glad that her best friend is okay. It's a whole, "at least this one"
thing... the others she would feel bad about, and scared, but
at least the girl she's known for most of her life is okay.

Matt sort of answered a bit about the fact she seems to not
bring it up much tho -- a lot of stuff happened really fast.
Initally she is sort of just in shock. I imagine that when
the teachers found her and she was freaking out, that
she doesn't even remember that part at all. I have had
personal experience with blocking out a situation like that,
where I was upset about a death and I freaked out...and
apparently made everyone else around me freak out
too. I can't remember this at all. I remember every-
thing before and AFTER, but not the freaking out
part lol... but anyway, she does get a few chances
where she kinda dwells on it. xD


Anyway, onward xDD [hopefully i didn't skip anything...]


The narration thing, I am sure Matt prolly has nagged me about
this too a few times xD I think the example you used is just that
it seemed right for an opening line in a new chapter. Maybe it's
strange tho xD I did it with the idea that she was saying one thing
for us, and then the other thing for the character in front of her to
progress the story. Maybe that's the wrong way to write tho, I don't
know. But I know in a few other spots it is prolly genuinely awkward.
This is my first comic, so it's def gonna take a while to get into the
hang of it xD But if people like you point those things out, I will try
to keep it in mind as I work on pages.


- The 'he was right' thing was sort of a joke, and I wanted people to
guess what it was, but I can see how it might be annoying to a serious
reader xD Just assume that they meant her attitude and ridiculous facial
expressions.


- Lysander is just a dick. Arianna explains after the meeting that he was
'showing off'. But he is always in some degree an uncontrollable dick. If you
stick around to keep reading, this will become abundantly clear xD; And
yeah, he was definitely trying to give her a bad first impression xD
On the other hand, it's not something I get to mention since the story
follows Vix around, but Arianna would have talked to Lysander before
hand and told him to be easy on Vix, as she knows he can easily be
well behaved. But the guy went and did it anyway. So you can
assume that she definitely chewed him out for it later lol.


- I have to admit, I love using the name Unhuman xD it sounds sort
of demeaning while at the same time it makes a bit of sense. I'll be
honest tho, when I first came up with the term, my spellchecker always
flagged it as a misspelling. So I assumed it wasn't even a real word
[i was kinda young at the time e_e]. But I still love the term.



Okay I am sure I must've left something out in there, so feel free to
followup xD Thank you so much for this, it was really interesting to
read and a bit of an eye opener too. It's kind of like working on an
art piece. Stare at it too long and some mistakes tend to become
invisible to you xD

[SuperNova]

In some unnamed town where she was born and raised
In the high school where she spent most of her days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all daydreamin' 'bout boys inside of school
When this one big ol jerk
Who was super jealous of blondes
Startin knifing people in her hallways
She murdered four school kids and her mom got scared
She said "You're movin' with your vampire dad in Bel Air"
I'm so bad at this...

That is amazing. xD

Launch the wall-of-text machine!
While your scrutiny of the comic has some merit, I still have to disagree with you on most all of it.
The dad being an asshole, the mother making mistakes, and Vix managing to forget the deaths/injuries she caused after being subjected to one plot twist after another? I don't see how these situations are so bad that the author has to rectify them for you.

I think you might think I was trashing the comic in some way? I wasn't... I like this comic. ^^

I apologize for the wall of text! I know that it comes off to some people as intimidating, but I just want to be sure I lay everything out as thoroughly as possible. I feel like the worst thing I could do is say I don't like something and then not explain why. That's not helpful to anybody, and can easily be mistaken for trolling.

The author absolutely does not have to rectify them, especially not for me! First and foremost, I always say with critiques to take what's helpful and leave the rest. I encourage Hchano to do just that. If she finds it helpful, awesome! If she finds part of it helpful and others not so much, that's great! If she doesn't think it's helpful at all, that's fine too. I did propose a fix for the school killing aftermath, but that's all it was... A proposal. Second, If I had any doubt I whether or not I was only person who reacted this way to the comic, I never would've written this... I try to avoid being a biased audience as much as I can! Of course, no one can be 100% successful at that, but I comment on something with the purpose of critique, I try not to react based on my preferences and instead try to react based on my knowledge of routine character writing. I'm more familiar with screenplays than anything, but most of the rules are universal.

The scene with Lysander and Arianna is disturbing to me as it evokes images of foster abuse, but not a make-it-or-break-it deal. It's really mostly the scenes after Vix's incident that get me.

As for Vix being subjected to plot twist one after the other, as Fattimus Slime said, it's not really clear how much time had passed from the incident to the time she's in the hospital, or for that matter, from that time, to when she's sitting in the principal's office, to when she goes home. I think she has plenty of time to have a personal reaction to all of this.

Vix having gone into shock did occur to me, but aside from maybe all the time she spends sleeping, she doesn't seem to have any symptoms of shock, she never acknowledges feeling strange or detached, or anything like that. Nobody really remarks on her acting strange, and she's fully able to interact with Jo, almost normally. Shock as a possibility for her lack of guilt is never established to the reader. She does withdraw a little bit, but is still fully functional, and on top of that, her withdrawal is used as a way to give the readers the lowdown on unhumans (which was a good way to do that, but not a good way to establish that Vix was in shock). Even so, a little withdrawal is not unusual, even under much lesser amounts of stress. I suppose if you think long and hard on it you could justify it as Vix going into shock, but there is little actual support for it in the writing, and if that's what was really intended, that's not a good thing.

[SuperNova]

Whoa, sorry hchano, I was totally ninja'd. OTL Sorry about the double post also. I was going to edit the last one, but then I wasn't sure if you'd see this. xD;

Yeah, I don't think changing the number of students is going to make a big difference, but it makes sense that Elijah would need to die for plot purposes, since the deal with his eyes was never addressed (I had a theory Andre may end up being a villain later because of it, since he may also be an unhuman xD).

I kind of wonder if there's a way to slip in/establish that Vix doesn't comprehend that she's responsible for the deaths, if that's something you want to do? That could probably be worked out.

I'll take your word on the Lysander thing, so I guess I'll stick around and see how that plays out. ^^

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it, and for the kind response! ^^ (And I completely understand how it is when you lose sight of mistakes you make in your own work, as I fall victim to that all the time. OTL I wish I had some kind of advice to give on that, but, um... well, if you ever figure out a solution, I'm all ears. xD )

[teh hchano]

Lmao yeah I don't think there's really any way to help that except
to have a second pair of eyes...and Josh refuses to read the comic
again til there's a book of it. LOL. He like read the first chapter and
was like, "fuck this, i am waiting til there's a book. You update too
slowly." LOL. sigh xD

And I don't think there is anyway to convince her it's not her fault. xD
She is pretty sure it's her own fault about what happened.

Btw, I didn't mention it last time, cos I didn't wanna make my response
seem a waste, but I sort of wrote the story in a way that would make it
so she wouldn't have a lot of time to herself to think about what she did.
xD If you've ever read Wheel of Time, and Rand learning about what he
is... He angsts over that shit for several books and it actually made me
STOP READING THEM @_@ I don't know why anyone would want to read
a story where a character is so depressed/grief stricken that it's just
uncomfortable to read... idk, I just really didn't want to do that with
d*s. I mean it has it's fair share of angst, and she does freak out
about what she did a few times when she is alone or it gets brought
up, but otherwise, it's too much of a downer to be around all the
time. xD

hopefully that doesn't negate anything I said above xDD